ASSertive

-          You should be more assertive.
-          Yes, I know. – I answer, feeling like a fiasco.
-          So why don’t you just act like you know you should? Just say “no” if you don’t feel like doing it.
-          I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.
-          Oh, come on, don’t be pathetic. “Hurt people’s feelings”! If everyone cared about hurting other people, we would stop doing anything at all. Just live your life, as you want it to be, and stop caring about others.
-          But whenever I say “no” I am so sorry and ashamed, that I even prefer to do the thing that doesn’t really fit in my agenda. At least I won’t feel guilty in the end.
-          Don’t you feel guilty about not taking proper care of your own needs?
-          No, it never felt this way.

-          Gosh, you’ll really need to do something about it. Otherwise people will take advantage of you. Go to a course, learn to be assertive, to set clear boundaries… You only have one life.
-          Yes, maybe I should – I did it again: agree with something I disagree with, not to hurt someone’s feelings. Otherwise, the conversation would continue like this:
-          No, I’m not going to do it. I’m happy the way it is now.
-          Well, that’s your choice, if you prefer to rather satisfy others than yourself… But you’ll regret it soon.
-          No, I won’t. I haven’t regretted it so far.
-          What are you talking about? How about going to that concert, while everyone knows you hate concerts, just to please him? Ending up all stressed out and panicked, searching for an emergency exit while everyone else was enjoying themselves?
-          No, I liked that. I liked the moment I panicked and thought I was about to die. It brought me closer to myself.
-          You’re freaking out.  You should really seek help.
-          I don’t think so. I’m happy the way things are. I’m happy I survived the concert, and even danced towards the end, after my attack was over.
-          You’re saying this now, but back then I’m sure you wished you hadn’t accepted that invitation.
-          How can you be so sure?
-          I know you a little better than you think.
-          No you don’t.

That’s where being consistently assertive means in my case. I hate it. I guess I need a course first which would teach me to like the whole attitude hiding under such a funny name. I hate to hear a “no”, that’s why, in a pathetically empathetic way, I prefer to avoid saying it myself. Just in case someone else didn’t like it either. Along with lacking in assertiveness, I’m also full of other faults. Which makes me quite a likeable rabbit-creature. Nobody likes to find perfection in others.

By the way, as I’m linguistically obsessed: I can’t help thinking the whole word “assertive” was inspired by another word starting with its first three letters, and ending with the ending of my address (the part following after “Rabbit”, for those that haven’t guessed). I don’t know where the “ertive” comes from, though. At first sight it makes me think of a hereditary ailment, somehow. Which rather is good news for my offspring – they’ll be so sweetly and pathetically compassionate, I hope. The way I love it.